what if...

what if i was not able to use donor sperm and try to have a baby
what if i had not lost the baby from my first pregnancy
what if i had not gotten pregnant with bliss
what if i had not been able to carry him to term after my first trimester scare
what if i had not been able to try for a sibling for bliss
what if i had not run out of his donor's sperm trying time after time
what if i had not lost a second baby with the new donor
what if i had not been able to move to clomid after more and more tries
what if i had not been able to try injectibles after many tries on clomid
what if i had not been able to move on the ivf after more tires
what if i had gotten pregnant my first ivf try
what if i had not lost twins after my first fet
what if i had not had a chemical pregnancy after the next ivf
what if that ivf had worked
what if i had not gotten pregnant with soul on my next ivf
what if i had not been able to have a vbac birth of soul
what if i never got to be a mother



I cannot imagine even the thought. But so many women go through it every day.
It is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) this week and I am joining thousands of other women and men in posting about this issue and asking the question "what if?" Shining a light on this issue is something I feel is important.

Author and infertility activist Mel and Resolve have teamed up to promote awareness this week. Please join them in supporting this issue.

National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW): www.resolve.org/takecharge

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

Read the other members of the blogroll are saying here: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if-part-two/

naming ceremony...

(trying this for the umpteenth time)

So the naming ceremony. First some back-story. When Bliss was 6 months old I had a naming ceremony for him. I knew I wanted to do something to welcome him to this world but as I am not Christian a baptism was not really apropos. I had liked ceremonies friends had had for their children but needed to make it my own. I also wanted to make something for him that had meaning.

I came up with the idea of making prayer flags for him. I would use materials I had saved from my childhood (I thought I would someday learn to quilt) and use that for the backing and use white canvas for the front. I am not great at sewing but back then I was much worse so I devised flags that would require no sewing. I fused to fabrics together and used pinking shears to cut out measured flags. I then put eyelets in each corner to further secure them.

I wrote a list of all the people important in out lives and then I thought about them and what I felt was a gift they had I would love them to impart on my child. I had things like spirituality, love, tolerance, giving, art and friendship. I used 3D fabric paint to write the word and then draw a representational picture or symbol of the word. For some words I used Hindi to pay tribute to half of his genes. I also used Kanji a few times.

For the ceremony I had friends gathered at a park in San Francisco for it but it began raining so we scooped up everything and ran to a friends nearby apartment. We formed a circle and different friends called a circle. As the elements were called they also hung a flag I had made with the elements as well. I remember also having soil from the burial of my first miscarriage before having Bliss with me for the earth portion of the ceremony and it had meant a lot.

Next I said a few words about how I had come up with the idea and what to do and then as I called each flag for each person I said a few words about why I had chosen that word for them. Next they all took a few moments to write a note on their flags to Bliss with fine point sharpies I had brought and then before or after tying their flags up on the rope I had strung across the apartment I asked that they touch or hold Bliss.

After all the flags were hung anyone who wanted could speak, many their had been at the birth so some spoke about that, and then we closed the circle.

It was a fun day with good friends and lots of love and laughter.

When I had Soul I knew I wanted to do something but I was so stuck trying to come up with something comparable. While talking with a friend here a couple months back she asked why not just add to what I already had and it was perfect. So I have made more flags for Soul and the people I have invited and will have another ceremony like the one Bliss had.

This time around I made nice invites too and it will also be a potluck, something we did not do last time. I will reuse the element flags and all of Bliss flags will be hung between trees in our back area. Then the friends will be adding to it with the new flags.

I made a new flag for me to Soul (feminism) and will also re-hang the sun moon and stars flags I did for Bliss' ceremony. They represent the constancy of my love for them. My flag for Bliss back then was Glitter, because it is forever as well.

So that is the ceremony. I am making Tiramisu and a trifle with a summery chicken mandarin orange rice salad and also offering white and red sangria.

I am excited and just finished the last of Soul's flags tonight. I took a picture of some of them and their backs for you to see below two pics of Bliss' flags up in his playroom from our old home.

Below those four pics is pictures of Bliss' actual ceremony.

I hope you enjoy them.




I will post pictures of her ceremony after we have it.





Oh and I also cut my hair for the ceremony to match my hair back then. Some say I am strange but I tell ya, I feel so much more like me now.

awesome...

Soul gave me an amazing present today. I am calling it her birthday gift to me. She started making a kissing sound mimicking her brother but she made it a different way, not with a pucker. Next thing I know she crawls onto Bliss and gives him a kiss. It was her first time giving a kiss on her own and it was to Bliss which made my heart about explode.

Then she climbed off him and came over to me and kissed me. WOW I thought I would melt right there.

Bliss and I were so happy.

What an amazing daughter I have.

spring, sprang, sprung...

First off thank you so much for the fantastic support and ideas with regards to Bliss. I DO believe this is a growth spurt thing and after some great links feel his BMI is perfect. Sheesh there is such a range on those.


I am not worried about celiac, it is not always after eating and he does not eat wheat every meal and will still sometimes be affected. I have been tested internally during a surgery and there is none in my or the donor's family but I do watch for it. I am a Gluten-free Girl devotee so I am highly aware.

I did try to get blood work on him. I have the lab slip, but after the tech getting the needle in he freaked out and screamed and pulled it out and was not ready to try again so we are waiting a bit before trying that again. If I thought something was really up I would press it but as it stands now he is practicing staying still and I am not stressing.


I did get to spend 2 days in and out of the clinic and hospital last week. I was having severe pain in my abdomen and diaphragm. After nothing being done or even having my stomach or abdomen palpated at the clinic I ended up at the hospital. They were worried and after many tests it seems I had a ruptured ovarian cyst. So fun. I feel better now but I swear it seems like I have missed a period from it, I may just be really late, and since I am queer and single and sexless it is just strangeness.

SO..........



HAPPY VERNAL EQUINOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (yes I am late)
Happy Easter!!!

We had a nice day save typical rights of motherhood like "shh yes you will enjoy decorating these eggs and no you cannot watch TV instead" and "yes you got a gift and I am sorry if you think it was more fun in the store than it is now maybe we should discuss graciousness when receiving gifts". But we discussed it and he is right on target developmentally for this crap and I am working on not letting it get me nuts. After that stuff all was wonderful. Soul actually found a few eggs all on her own which was great.






I got to have See's candy all the way from California and the day was gorgeous with no snow like last year.

Lu is working as a cook at a local country club and likely we will not be able to run our business again this year but we are by no means giving up. We just need to get some money coming in and pay some bills. It has been hard but we are really ok these days with a little time and perspective behind us. Also as soon as the damn high speed is available here I can once again work from home.



Weather has been beautiful. I am gearing up for Soul's naming ceremony in a little under a month. I PROMISE to write about it in my next post. I have to search for my pics of Bliss' and put together a good post on it but I will next.




Much love to all. Spring abounds with love and hope.