***I am not sure I will keep this post up for very long***
Cali mentioned writing about it,as did my best friend IRL. And I have been doing some writing, but not here, not for others to read.
It is a hard thing, a very hard thing. It is not always pretty at all and it is not something I have a desire to write about. These feelings, or at times these seemingly lack of feelings. I am so taken aback by them, and confused, and shamed, and saddened.
At times it almost feels like I am back on Lupron if that makes any sense. You would likely need to go back to see what that was like for me to understand.
But it isn't something I can truly speak about safely online, in this medium. At least it seems that way to me. And I am so aware it is my shit, in my head and or body (ie. biochemical?) that is what is going on, that is has absolutely nothing to do with Soul, but it does not always "feel" like that and that sucks. And she deserves to have the same mama, with those same beliefs and practices and with that same unwavering patience and understanding, with all that connection and intensity and with that same love as Bliss had. And I am just so devastated to admit it does not seem like that right now, not yet, and it is making me a wreck. But I am working on it and trying to find my way through.
I am really trying.
And please dear Goddess know I love her, I do truly, I am just off still, somehow.