Sunday, May 24, 2009

on talking about it, or not...

***I am not sure I will keep this post up for very long***


Cali mentioned writing about it,as did my best friend IRL. And I have been doing some writing, but not here, not for others to read.

It is a hard thing, a very hard thing. It is not always pretty at all and it is not something I have a desire to write about. These feelings, or at times these seemingly lack of feelings. I am so taken aback by them, and confused, and shamed, and saddened.

At times it almost feels like I am back on Lupron if that makes any sense. You would likely need to go back to see what that was like for me to understand.

But it isn't something I can truly speak about safely online, in this medium. At least it seems that way to me. And I am so aware it is my shit, in my head and or body (ie. biochemical?) that is what is going on, that is has absolutely nothing to do with Soul, but it does not always "feel" like that and that sucks. And she deserves to have the same mama, with those same beliefs and practices and with that same unwavering patience and understanding, with all that connection and intensity and with that same love as Bliss had. And I am just so devastated to admit it does not seem like that right now, not yet, and it is making me a wreck. But I am working on it and trying to find my way through.

I am really trying.

And please dear Goddess know I love her, I do truly, I am just off still, somehow.

31 comments:

Kriss said...

Bleu, infertilty drugs can really do a number on the body. I bet with some time you will look back and feel so differently and back to normal. Just give it some time it will get better. If your concerned though you might want to see your doctor about PPD and see about your options to get through this rough patch. (((hugs)))-kriss

battynurse said...

Hugs to you.

calliope said...

very good that you are writing through it- and of course writing it and publishing it in blogland do not need to go hand in hand. There are many feelings I had during pregnancy that I did not feel I should publish, but I knew I needed to write them down- just to purge them out.

I will also say, with a very kind voice, that medication has helped me a LOT. And if it gets to a place where you just need to have some help it is ok to get it- even if it is just for a month. Meds can help.
xo

MaverickMama said...

It takes awhile sometimes. It took awhile for me. I don't think one can expect to instantly stabilize after pregnancy. For a long time I only felt protective. I longed to feel the overwhelming love. I do have that now, but it took time to grow as I grew to know my son.
Be gentle with yourself. Relationships take time.

edenland said...

Sweetheart. I get it, I get it, I get it.

Your love for Soul ... and of course Bliss ... spills over so easily onto your blog pages. I just relate so much to you Bleu ... especially with trying to love your second baby as much as your first. You love Bliss with such a ferocity that I love Max. I assumed that I would love Rocco EXACTLY the same way. Well, I don't! It's different ... not more or less, just different. And I'm still ... one year later, learning that that's ok. I had a f*cked infancy with Rocco, it was so hard. And I felt so guilty .. still do. But, I have the rest of my life with them. It's ok. It's all ok, even when it's not!

Nothing lasts forever. You will move through this. I PROMISE.

Love to you from Africa HEHEH.

xoxoxoxoxoxxo

Anonymous said...

I think you feel disconnected from Soul because you wanted a baby so bad and tried so hard and so long for her that she doesn't feel like she's yours. Almost like you are still afraid to be happy. I mean if you think about it your whole pregnancy was spent worrying about losing her! You never emotionally let yourself enjoy being pregnant or get attached to her, which is totally understandable with all the infertility stuff. You were always so scared that something bad was going to happen and you still have that mentality. You just need time to realize that she's here and she's yours and nothing bad is going to happen now. By all means if you think you need medication then please do. I hope that makes sense...and please do not feel guilty about these feelings. It's not anything you can help. I also think you may feel guilt about not giving Bliss as much attention as before Soul but you have to realize that he is fine! He doesn't need you as much as you think. And that's hard to realize but he's a big boy and he knows you love him. And the beauty is that you can love both of your kids the same and not take any love from the other! You are being too hard on yourself. Just try and enjoy this time of her being small because before you know it you will have two teenagers :O Hey I may be totally wrong about everything but that's just my 2 cents! I care about you a lot and everything will be ok. After I had my child I felt like I was babysitting for the first year because I couldn't believe this was MY child and I was really a Mom....oh well I wrote a book now so keep us posted ok! And don't delete your post cause it's what you felt at this time and it's ok to feel that way and no one is judging you at all! And if you don't approve this comment I will be totally fine with that! Just know everyone cares so much about you!

Sam said...

I am so happy that I am past this feeling, and you will get there, too.

Billy said...

~hugs~

amyjay said...

That's a mistake people make...believing that one child needs the exact same experience as the other child. Goddess gave Soul the mommy she needs (vice versa). I know your doing your best. I hope you do talk about it/write about it. I hope you grow and heal through this experience. Just as you have through so many others. And if you need a night nanny, I'm available July 1st :)

mulberry said...

glad you wrote... you are a brave, loving, strong woman. i think this is something you want to let people in on - professional people, in addition to us. i am a big fan of therapy... have participated for years... and never before this TTC marathon have i had a better understanding of the chemical sides of emotions and mental health. if we can shoot ourselves full of hormones and feel like we have lost our minds, or feel completely cut off from ourselves - than i really get how sometimes some medication is just what we need to bring our hormone/chemical balance back in line. i think the talk is still good, i just have way more understanding for the medicine part.

... my two cents... much love, mulberry

Lesley said...

Of course you love her! You just have some powerful hormonal shit going on right now. It will pass, I hope quickly for your sake. Don't feel guilty though- Soul will never remember this or know how you felt right now. You're doing your best and that is good enough right now.

Big hug, mama.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

There are no good words, my strawberry, that can bring things back into balance--only time--but I wanted you to know that I am reading, I am here, I am listening, and you are in my heart.

Fat Chick said...

Oh Bleu! Don't be ashamed of how you feel. OF COURSE you love Soul, of course you do. All those hormones are raging and it has nothing to do with your love for your children. This is a rough patch, and I'm so glad you are writing to get through it and to get those feelings out. I ditto what others have said: Get help if you need it, and know that this will pass eventually.

You are in my thoughts and my prayers!

Anonymous said...

You're a wonderful mama, so thoughtful and (a) present to both of your beautiful children. Try to get help from a doc if you can find a helpful one, get outside with your babes, and I hope you feel better soon. Hugs.

annacyclopedia said...

I'm glad you wrote, too, my friend. I think Eden is on to something. It's ok to be a different mom to Soul than you were to Bliss - you are different and your life is different. Please try to be gentle with yourself,Bleu. At the same time, please know that any help you need is available and you have my love and support through whatever comes next.

anofferingoflove said...

thank you for sharing this with us, you are very strong for doing so. sending you big (((hugs))).

MrsSpock said...

I felt nothing until J was 6 weeks old- nothing but resentment over surgery, fibro pain, 30 lbs of edema, and excruciating BF pain. I didn't even want to touch him. Love had nothing to do with it- because that was there- it was just being completely sucked to the bone dry and having nothing left to give. Part of the reason why quitting BF was right for me, because the pain wasn't going away and it was sucking me down the toilet of PPD( I have a long and strong history with that already). You'll start feeling the love again...

Anonymous said...

It is wonderful to see such loving words of encouragement.
But Bleu, please seek help from a professional. PPD is real, with real consequences. There is so much support available to those affected by it. You and your sweet Soul need and deserve that support.

Jess said...

These symptoms are not YOU...they are your symptoms. You know that tons of hormonal shit is happening to you right now. It was very hard for me to see this...but it's true...you WILL get through this. This WILL pass. Even if you don't believe it now. It will. And you WILL feel better. Big hug.

tireegal68 said...

thinking of you, Bleu,on this difficult journey. Sending hugs and support and healing breaths your way.
TG:)

sandra said...

*hugs*

Anonymous said...

Bleu, I felt similar with my second child. I took forever for him to be conceived and the pregnancy was so emotional and scary and I every day I thought I was going to lose him. When he was born, I remember thinking that something was wrong because I didnt love him like my first. It took weeks and a lot of emotions to work through, but one day i just looked down at him and kissed him and knew he was mine and I loved him. I didnt love him the same way that I loved my first, but I loved him for him. Just remember that you will love her, it may take a little time and it may be different than Bliss but you will love her.

Melissa said...

Sending warm thoughts and hugs to you. I'm sure you know this, but remember, each child is different and your relationship and feelings will be different and that does not make either relationship better or worse. You are amazing.

vee said...

You've been dreaming of how this time might be for so long. Don't be hard on yourself that things aren't as you imagined or hoped. If the writing is helping, keep writing about how you feel, (though I'd imagine going back over what you've written might be something you'd want to choose a safe time for). It'll come right for you soon enough, I'm sure - you're so savvy about finding a way through. Soul has a fabulous mama, no doubt about it. Much love to you all.

Catherine said...

postpartum hormones suck. Just keep caring for the baby, what you feel in your head won't effect the baby. I hope it passes soon!

Cajun Cutie said...

Sending good thoughts and virtual hugs your way. May you get through this rough patch soon. You are an amazing wise women and you will get through this.

sacredandscarred said...

Many many hugs to you.

JJ said...

Just adding some hugs from across the miles...

averyopenbook said...

Is there any comfort at all in knowing that your feelings are normal? I ask only because it helped me a great deal.
You are not alone and this will pass. I promise.

Anonymous said...

Your unwavering patience for Bliss has always awed me- I've even envied it sometimes. It is just really hard, though, to have the same patience and energy level with more than one (I speak from experience). But you will figure out a new way, if you can eventually judge yourself less and go forward, accepting mistakes and forgiving yourself for imperfect days and moments. You will always be a great mom- you will never be "them."

R said...

HUGS AND HUGS AND HUGS and positive energy to you.. and all my good vibes and thoughts.. I cannot even imagine the feelings you must be having and all I can say is that they all seem completely normal and real and that sometimes we go through and feel things just b/c we have to..and have no utterly explanataions why... but I know that youwill feel better again and oh my, what great joy you will have... :) you are a great supporter and I hope you know how much support you have and if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask my friend!!
Hugs to you!!