I am going to try and write this out, my thoughts and beliefs on what is going on with me right now. I hope it is coherent, it gets pretty jumbled in my head.
I want to thank everyone for their amazing support, it really truly helps me, a lot. I also want to let people know I have sought support elsewhere just to make sure I remain ok, but thus far I am really doing ok, staying afloat and working through everything. This is another part of doing just that. Writing it out.
So ok, yes my feelings. I have TONS of baggage from my own childhood. I think most of us do. It is one of the only sucky things about being a parent, the knowledge that you will likely give your own precious child baggage. I hate that.
Anyhow...my childhood. I was not loved unconditionally. A lot of other stuff went on, a lot of abuse etc. but that is one of the biggest issues to me these many years later. There were also major favorites played. I was told around 10 by my father I was his favorite. I said yes your favorite girl and my brother your favorite boy. He said no I was his favorite. I sobbed. I was not happy, it did not make me feel special, it made me cry for my brother and also led to much more abuse ultimately from my father. Being "his" favorite was not a good thing. My mother favored my brother and resented me, from early on. We also missed a lot of early bonding for a variety of reasons, but all the while, I longed for it as any child would.
So here is some of my thinking. I deserved all the same love my brother had and he deserved all I had. Just as Soul deserves to be loved just as intensely, and fiercely as Bliss was and is. She is just as deserving, she is the same in that she is a perfect wonderful precious child of mine. She did nothing different, so the difference is with me. Personally I don't care if personalities are different, at this point it is way way to early to know that anyhow. So the difference is with me, my own crap or imbalance or whatever. So I have to change me. Fake it til I make it, whatever. I have to do the work to ensure that I get there, to the place where I feel just as much, just as strongly, just as deeply and wholly as I did with Bliss because Soul deserves and needs that.
Now I realize some things ARE different that WILL come into play. This is not my first baby so I am not in the "omg there is a baby" mode like I was with Bliss. I also use memory, I am sure, incorrectly. I am very likely mashing all the emotions of the first 6 months with Bliss into his first week in my memory and expecting to have all those feelings NOW. I also had a very rough start with Bliss. Recovering from a traumatic birth and c/section, I had to use a nipple shield for every single feeding for the first 3.5 months and constantly lost it in the sheets of the bed at 3am. I got a "pocket" in healing and had to have a home health nurse come every other day to re-pack my wound. Bliss got silent reflux at 5 weeks and cried 10-16 hours a day for months until I figured out what it was. So my first months with him were heavily intense just from what was going on, and I am sure in my head I confuse some of that intensity with my feelings for him at the time. By contrast Soul came into the world through an awesome birth, and except the first night is very mellow. Yes we have gas issues and over-supply issues but because of what I went through with Bliss I have been able to identify it early and work to correct it, plus I "know" what is going on when she is fussy. I can tell. The learning curve is about a hundred times shorter because of having been through it all before.
So with all that said I am trying to go lightly on myself and be very realistic and recall things more clearly. I also think that some of the reasons I may be going through all of this is so I can make a conscious decision about how I parent her and love her and deal with all my feelings. So that I can see for myself first hand that there are choices one can make. That I do not have to be my mother or make her choices and be like she was. So down the road when things do even out and come around I can say that I made choices to be her best mama and know those same choices could have been made for me when I was little.
I have definitely felt, from the moment I had her, that Soul would be my teacher on such a huge level. Bliss has been my teacher and I always thought it was on a grand scale, and it was, but as soon as I had Soul I knew she would be teaching me so much more, so many things I am not even sure I am looking forward to learning about myself as I know many things will be hard,but she will be putting a much bigger mirror in front of me than I already have had. So this all may be part of it. Sorting through all of this.
I am not my parents, I know that. But we are given tools and not given tools by our parents and we only know so much. We face, at times, areas where we are severely lacking skills to get through stuff. And no matter how much we work on ourselves not to repeat their mistakes or be them there will always be things that come up that we do like them. I do not abuse my children, I changed that. I do not ever hit or strike or spank or swat at all, I do not put down, I do not belittle. I DO yell although I try to work on that. I do find myself, at times, saying little phrases they said. Not the mean ones but others I still do not like and I cringe at that I try to erase from my vocabulary. There are still others, some even humorous I have come to accept and even laugh at.
So part of me sees parenting as this constant searching inside myself to find all those dark areas I am not aware of, to shed light on, to changes and grow so I can be better. So I can be a better parent and not give my children so much baggage, or at least not the same baggage as I have.
So all of this rambling is to say I feel like much of what I have been feeling, or "not" feeling on the level I want to be is my own fault. It may be hormonal and a bunch of other contributing factors but I feel like it is my job to take care of myself well enough to get over it or past it to the place Soul deserves me to be at, and in turn to the place I deserved my parents to be at when I was a child as well.
Hopefully this makes sense to you all, or at least some of you.