Sunday, May 31, 2009

writing more out...

I am going to try and write this out, my thoughts and beliefs on what is going on with me right now. I hope it is coherent, it gets pretty jumbled in my head.

I want to thank everyone for their amazing support, it really truly helps me, a lot. I also want to let people know I have sought support elsewhere just to make sure I remain ok, but thus far I am really doing ok, staying afloat and working through everything. This is another part of doing just that. Writing it out.

So ok, yes my feelings. I have TONS of baggage from my own childhood. I think most of us do. It is one of the only sucky things about being a parent, the knowledge that you will likely give your own precious child baggage. I hate that.

Anyhow...my childhood. I was not loved unconditionally. A lot of other stuff went on, a lot of abuse etc. but that is one of the biggest issues to me these many years later. There were also major favorites played. I was told around 10 by my father I was his favorite. I said yes your favorite girl and my brother your favorite boy. He said no I was his favorite. I sobbed. I was not happy, it did not make me feel special, it made me cry for my brother and also led to much more abuse ultimately from my father. Being "his" favorite was not a good thing. My mother favored my brother and resented me, from early on. We also missed a lot of early bonding for a variety of reasons, but all the while, I longed for it as any child would.

So here is some of my thinking. I deserved all the same love my brother had and he deserved all I had. Just as Soul deserves to be loved just as intensely, and fiercely as Bliss was and is. She is just as deserving, she is the same in that she is a perfect wonderful precious child of mine. She did nothing different, so the difference is with me. Personally I don't care if personalities are different, at this point it is way way to early to know that anyhow. So the difference is with me, my own crap or imbalance or whatever. So I have to change me. Fake it til I make it, whatever. I have to do the work to ensure that I get there, to the place where I feel just as much, just as strongly, just as deeply and wholly as I did with Bliss because Soul deserves and needs that.

Now I realize some things ARE different that WILL come into play. This is not my first baby so I am not in the "omg there is a baby" mode like I was with Bliss. I also use memory, I am sure, incorrectly. I am very likely mashing all the emotions of the first 6 months with Bliss into his first week in my memory and expecting to have all those feelings NOW. I also had a very rough start with Bliss. Recovering from a traumatic birth and c/section, I had to use a nipple shield for every single feeding for the first 3.5 months and constantly lost it in the sheets of the bed at 3am. I got a "pocket" in healing and had to have a home health nurse come every other day to re-pack my wound. Bliss got silent reflux at 5 weeks and cried 10-16 hours a day for months until I figured out what it was. So my first months with him were heavily intense just from what was going on, and I am sure in my head I confuse some of that intensity with my feelings for him at the time. By contrast Soul came into the world through an awesome birth, and except the first night is very mellow. Yes we have gas issues and over-supply issues but because of what I went through with Bliss I have been able to identify it early and work to correct it, plus I "know" what is going on when she is fussy. I can tell. The learning curve is about a hundred times shorter because of having been through it all before.

So with all that said I am trying to go lightly on myself and be very realistic and recall things more clearly. I also think that some of the reasons I may be going through all of this is so I can make a conscious decision about how I parent her and love her and deal with all my feelings. So that I can see for myself first hand that there are choices one can make. That I do not have to be my mother or make her choices and be like she was. So down the road when things do even out and come around I can say that I made choices to be her best mama and know those same choices could have been made for me when I was little.

I have definitely felt, from the moment I had her, that Soul would be my teacher on such a huge level. Bliss has been my teacher and I always thought it was on a grand scale, and it was, but as soon as I had Soul I knew she would be teaching me so much more, so many things I am not even sure I am looking forward to learning about myself as I know many things will be hard,but she will be putting a much bigger mirror in front of me than I already have had. So this all may be part of it. Sorting through all of this.

I am not my parents, I know that. But we are given tools and not given tools by our parents and we only know so much. We face, at times, areas where we are severely lacking skills to get through stuff. And no matter how much we work on ourselves not to repeat their mistakes or be them there will always be things that come up that we do like them. I do not abuse my children, I changed that. I do not ever hit or strike or spank or swat at all, I do not put down, I do not belittle. I DO yell although I try to work on that. I do find myself, at times, saying little phrases they said. Not the mean ones but others I still do not like and I cringe at that I try to erase from my vocabulary. There are still others, some even humorous I have come to accept and even laugh at.

So part of me sees parenting as this constant searching inside myself to find all those dark areas I am not aware of, to shed light on, to changes and grow so I can be better. So I can be a better parent and not give my children so much baggage, or at least not the same baggage as I have.

So all of this rambling is to say I feel like much of what I have been feeling, or "not" feeling on the level I want to be is my own fault. It may be hormonal and a bunch of other contributing factors but I feel like it is my job to take care of myself well enough to get over it or past it to the place Soul deserves me to be at, and in turn to the place I deserved my parents to be at when I was a child as well.

Hopefully this makes sense to you all, or at least some of you.

14 comments:

averyopenbook said...

It makes sense to me on a grande scale. Thank you for sharing.

Anonymous said...

thanks for being honest and venting your thoughts. I do have to agree that we tend to romanticize what was in our past. I have a 6 years old son and now a 15 month old baby. I tend to "remember" that things were so much better, easier, closer, etc with my first. But in reality I think my mind is kind of remembering parts of it and not all of it. Also with just 1 child around you have the luxury of bonding time, of daydreaming, of gazing into their eyes. With the second one it's much different. The logistics are just not the same.
I send you love and light.
Rosany

Siren said...

you are amazing.....i have followed your blog for a little while now and i am amazed by your courage.....i find myself wishing i knew you for real....

you will find your groove with your new little one....she WILL teach you and she will become just as fiercely loved as your first.....in her own way.....

just continue to be brave....and strong....and write, talk, cry, scream or just think about your feelings.......disclose as much as possible....even if just to the trees around you or the sky above you......or the paper under your pen......just the act of getting it out of your head helps to relieve the stress......

and love those babies.........love them with everything inside you......they will feel it....BOTH of them will.....


hughughug

siren of truth

battynurse said...

It does make sense. thinking of you and sending hugs.

Neenie said...

Love you & your beautifil babies Bleu :) So proud of you for being able to express yourself and for remaining so strong.
Will ALWAYS support you, accept you and understand you!

Anonymous said...

I was just talking to my mom and dad about crappy childhoods. There's were, as your's was. My dad had a hard time with my brother because his only model for a father and son relationship was one full of abuse - not as much trouble with me because I was a girl and thus different enough. My mom had horrible parents and extended family who all abused her. She often has to remind herself that there was nothing wrong with her - she was being raised by grown ups who didn't even know how to take care of themselves. They did amazing jobs as parents because they did exactly what you are doing - acknowledging the pain of the past and taking care of yourself. Its hard work but you are doing an awesome job.

Melissa said...

I think daughters are more of a mirror to their moms. I remember when my daughter was about 10 days old and my Mom called me crying and when I got off the phone, I was crying because I did not want to have the same relationship with my daughter that my mom had with me and I worried that I would not know what I had to do to change myself and keep it from happening. Then I decided that I would not, I just would not let it happen, therapy, whatever I had to do, I would have a healthy relationship with my daughter.
I'm glad you are working through things. You are incredibly introspective and self aware. Sending you lots of warm thoughts and healing.
Melissa

Sam said...

You are doing a fabulous job! Life is all about learning.

Peeveme said...

I think you are doing great. I, too, think I will idealize my 1st...forget how long it took for me to feel competent, bonded ect. You are doing great.

Nothing makes you face your shit like being a parent.

tireegal68 said...

sending you so much love and hope for this process. take good care and keep doing what you are doing. You are being very smart and thoughtful about it which I really admire.
TG:)

R said...

Perfect sense... so glad you are writing it all out... and putting it out there my friend... good for you!

Billy said...

Makes a lot of sense :-)
#and think how lucky Bliss and Soul are to have you as their mother.

K said...

Oh my friend, you are working so hard to be the best mom you can be, which is very admirable. I just hope you are being equally gentle and patient with yourself because you deserve that.

Sending big hugs your way...

Demeter said...

What a wonderful post. So full of honesty and integrity. I am sure you will sort things out! I felt so identified with what you have gone through with having two children, and the feelings they pull out from you. I sometimes think as well, how hard it will be not to repeat my childhood, and not be the parent I had. You won't, you are making a conscious effort not to, and will be hundred times better. As a parent, we will be put through tough realizations from our own children. But they will make us grow even more. I am sure you are an awesome mom to Soul and Bliss.