Sunday, May 23, 2010


Sorry I have not been posting. I am having a hard time right now. I am vacillating between wanting to write out all the crap and pain and fears and wanting to just hide away and not say a thing.

I know I do better when I write it out. I just feel like I am in such an emotional state it will just be a whining load of babbling shite.

I also am having a hard time talking about it. I feel like in the past couple months I am suddenly worrying about what others think, which is not me, and it just adds to it all.

I feel like everything is so hard here right now. We have tried so hard and cannot catch a break. I am so much more devastated about the business failing than I can even say. On so many levels for so many reasons. I feel like I am suddenly having regrets with our move and choice of home, or where our home is.

All I wanted was to have land where my children could spend their days playing outside on their own property. But here we are, beautiful weather, and we have to stay inside because where we live it is black fly season and at our home they swarm, there are millions all day long and we cannot be outside. Down the mountain in town and along the river it is not the case. They come out but not all day long, more normal like mosquitoes do in the early evening and not a swarming attack every time.

I cannot get a family doctor because there are none taking new patients because there is a shortage. The specialist (thyroid cancer guy) in Halifax said I need a family doctor to get my records from him for my thyroid meds. Then they said I have to go to out patients clinic once a month to get my meds, but at the clinic they tell me that because they do not have a continuum of care with me they cannot write the prescription. And that I must get a family doctor. The specialist is who I see for blood work once a year and he can write it but he says I need a family doctor for him to work with and of course someone will take me on, this is a condition that must be monitored. Uh, yes it is but uh, no they won't.

We have only one car, well one we can drive, and Lu needs to drive to work, and her schedule is such that she usually has a 2-3 hour break in the day. But if I am to drive her to work so I can have the car then we are driving back and forth 4 times in a day which we cannot afford in gas. Today she had no break so I drove her. Soul cried most the way there (25 minutes) and back and then we got home and I had to vacuum out the car as it has been eons and it was awful. I did that while Soul walked around the car, Bliss was inside watching a movie. The bugs were very bad and she has bites on her soft little neck and I have them everywhere. Then I came inside an hour later, got our lunches made and had to rush Soul up for her nap as it was late. She did not go down for a half hour and then I have to stay with her because right now with the teeth and whatnot if I am not laying with her she gets no sleep. So then as soon as she woke, which was earlier than she needed, I got her dressed for the park, and Bliss, and got her car seat installed again and off we went to the park. The entire reason we had the car today. And we had exactly one hour at the park before we had to pick up Lu. We did go back after we got her for another 45 minutes or so but it just was so frustrating.

This coupled with still not having high speed internet, having a satellite tv system that I cannot get my shows taped regularly with because it cannot follow a show and the times change often here, so I missed season finale's for Grey's and Mercy. OH and Mercy, loved that show soooo much and of course it is canceled.

And I just feel like this huge failure, this giant fecking failure.

And to top it all off I miss my tribe. I miss my friends who know me, who lay hands on me until I land and ground a little. Who know I am a bit loud and a bit crazy but it is what they love about me. I barely ever even saw them back in the US as we have mostly dispersed, but I miss them. I feel so much like a flailing failure on the friend front here as well.

I want to be clear, I do not regret leaving the US, I don't at all. That is something that had to happen and I am glad and proud we did. I just fee like all the rest is crumbling around me right now and I am so trying to cope.

I also know part of why I was so "gone" at the ceremony and why I am constantly hungry is all part of the trying not to feel these feelings and trying to stuff the feelings down.

I have been aware of it since that day and I have been talking about it more since then but it is hard to sit with. It hurts. All of it.

So I am trying, so I am here, at 2am, typing and crying, trying to get out this stuff, trying to ground, to become more present, to be a better mother, and friend. Trying to find the old me and feeling really defeated.

Edited to add that Bliss and Soul are both doing great and are both amazing, wonderful, fantastic, joyous children and they are absolutely what gets me through it all. It is also because of them I want to get through this and get to the other side.


Jude said...

The very fact that you are naming your pain is a step towards change. The universe will shift and time will pass and one day you will realize that you will know, or will already have done what you need to do to make your world right. xo

battynurse said...

Oh honey. I wish there was some way I could make things better up there. I'm thinking of you and sending many hugs.

jessie said...

Sometimes the biggest hardest part can be admitting your struggling. Hopefully now that you've ackowledged it you can take the steps you need to move forward. You have a ton of hard stuff going on so you're allowed to vent, that's for sure. Good luck and hugs

MSEH said...

I'm going to send you an email. Let me know if you do not receive one from me soon. Meanwhile, hang in there. Really.

And, I'm told that by June the black flies will largely be gone. Don't know if that's true over your way, but that's what they say here.

Hang in there!

K77 said...

I'm sorry you're facing so many obstacles right now. I hope you find a way over or around or through them.

Carey said...

I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I hope it all comes together soon and you guys catch a break. Much light to you all.

mulberry said...

i am so sorry for you pain my friend. i wish we were closer, i would come over and hide from the flies with you. this crazy lonely place you are in i feel like i am in sometimes too, and i didn't uproot and move far away with no internet or doc service!! sorry that the business didn't take off. it sounded great! keep talking and crying and we'll get through this patch and any others that are to come.

annacyclopedia said...

Oh, sweetie. Sounds like a really difficult place you're in right now. This mothering racket is hard enough - I can barely imagine doing it without my tribe. I send you the biggest warmest hugs and whispers that this time will not last forever. Things will shift - and I pray that they shift for you very soon.

Here's a chant that sometimes helps me shake off those hard days:
Woman am I / Spirit am I / I am the infinite within my soul / I have no beginning and I have no end / All this I am.

Hang in there, friend. I think of you often even though I am so quiet in comments these days...

vee said...

Hugs. I guess sometimes the right decisions aren't the easy ones. Hoping things pick up for you soon.

Anne said...

Sending virtual hugs your way! I'm so sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. Know that you are strong and have two beautiful children, and together you will pull through.

edenland said...

Sweetheart! I hope you felt better after you stopped typing this post. Hope that you hit "publish" and it went out there into the internets, taking some of you fear and pain away from you.

Sitting here in my living room, next to the fire, abiding with you. Amazed at your insight.

Sometimes things do crumble away, maybe that's what life is. A constant crumbling. (Sung to the tune of KD Langs "Constant Craving.") HA!

But underneath the crumble is the most delicious apple pie, that you never would have got to if you didn't go through the crumble first.

Love you mate.


MrsSpock said...

We all need a good vent now and then.

Those family doctor shenanigans are crazy- and very common in rural areas in the US as well. There is a huge shortage of general practitioners- they don't get paid squat.

Hope things turn around for you soon!

K said...

I am sorry to hear you are struggling so. You are not a failure at all. You set out to do something huge for your family and you made it happen. There aren't many people out there with your vision and your determination. You have encountered more challenges than many could endure and you are still kicking. You will find the way through this and you will come out in a better place. I have faith in you. *hugs*

Billy said...

Hope things get better soon.

Kim Catacutan said...

Hi, Bleu. I sent you an email this morning. Did you receive it? I'm thinking about you lots. I know you will get through this tough time. Stay strong.