air...

Sorry I have not been posting. I am having a hard time right now. I am vacillating between wanting to write out all the crap and pain and fears and wanting to just hide away and not say a thing.

I know I do better when I write it out. I just feel like I am in such an emotional state it will just be a whining load of babbling shite.

I also am having a hard time talking about it. I feel like in the past couple months I am suddenly worrying about what others think, which is not me, and it just adds to it all.

I feel like everything is so hard here right now. We have tried so hard and cannot catch a break. I am so much more devastated about the business failing than I can even say. On so many levels for so many reasons. I feel like I am suddenly having regrets with our move and choice of home, or where our home is.

All I wanted was to have land where my children could spend their days playing outside on their own property. But here we are, beautiful weather, and we have to stay inside because where we live it is black fly season and at our home they swarm, there are millions all day long and we cannot be outside. Down the mountain in town and along the river it is not the case. They come out but not all day long, more normal like mosquitoes do in the early evening and not a swarming attack every time.

I cannot get a family doctor because there are none taking new patients because there is a shortage. The specialist (thyroid cancer guy) in Halifax said I need a family doctor to get my records from him for my thyroid meds. Then they said I have to go to out patients clinic once a month to get my meds, but at the clinic they tell me that because they do not have a continuum of care with me they cannot write the prescription. And that I must get a family doctor. The specialist is who I see for blood work once a year and he can write it but he says I need a family doctor for him to work with and of course someone will take me on, this is a condition that must be monitored. Uh, yes it is but uh, no they won't.

We have only one car, well one we can drive, and Lu needs to drive to work, and her schedule is such that she usually has a 2-3 hour break in the day. But if I am to drive her to work so I can have the car then we are driving back and forth 4 times in a day which we cannot afford in gas. Today she had no break so I drove her. Soul cried most the way there (25 minutes) and back and then we got home and I had to vacuum out the car as it has been eons and it was awful. I did that while Soul walked around the car, Bliss was inside watching a movie. The bugs were very bad and she has bites on her soft little neck and I have them everywhere. Then I came inside an hour later, got our lunches made and had to rush Soul up for her nap as it was late. She did not go down for a half hour and then I have to stay with her because right now with the teeth and whatnot if I am not laying with her she gets no sleep. So then as soon as she woke, which was earlier than she needed, I got her dressed for the park, and Bliss, and got her car seat installed again and off we went to the park. The entire reason we had the car today. And we had exactly one hour at the park before we had to pick up Lu. We did go back after we got her for another 45 minutes or so but it just was so frustrating.

This coupled with still not having high speed internet, having a satellite tv system that I cannot get my shows taped regularly with because it cannot follow a show and the times change often here, so I missed season finale's for Grey's and Mercy. OH and Mercy, loved that show soooo much and of course it is canceled.

And I just feel like this huge failure, this giant fecking failure.

And to top it all off I miss my tribe. I miss my friends who know me, who lay hands on me until I land and ground a little. Who know I am a bit loud and a bit crazy but it is what they love about me. I barely ever even saw them back in the US as we have mostly dispersed, but I miss them. I feel so much like a flailing failure on the friend front here as well.

I want to be clear, I do not regret leaving the US, I don't at all. That is something that had to happen and I am glad and proud we did. I just fee like all the rest is crumbling around me right now and I am so trying to cope.

I also know part of why I was so "gone" at the ceremony and why I am constantly hungry is all part of the trying not to feel these feelings and trying to stuff the feelings down.

I have been aware of it since that day and I have been talking about it more since then but it is hard to sit with. It hurts. All of it.

So I am trying, so I am here, at 2am, typing and crying, trying to get out this stuff, trying to ground, to become more present, to be a better mother, and friend. Trying to find the old me and feeling really defeated.

Edited to add that Bliss and Soul are both doing great and are both amazing, wonderful, fantastic, joyous children and they are absolutely what gets me through it all. It is also because of them I want to get through this and get to the other side.